emotional breakdown..

it's rare. i'm seldom down, especially these few years, where happiness fills my life most of the time, as i take my life easily and enjoy myself.

however today i am totally childishly down. i sat down, face flat on my piano, and naturally the tears rolled out of my eyes. was i under pressure? or was i just disappointed that my dream is not possible to come true? or...was i angry with myself for not dedicating myself to God?

last nite i watched the movie "Amazing Grace". it was about William Wilberforce, the British politician who fought against slave trade. he was doing it because of God. God found him. all the energy he had to fight till the very end, came from God Himself.

now, about me...i have numerous interests...and i really want to do the things that i love doing. illustration, wushu, music, writing, for instance. but...for what? and for who? for myself? am i being selfish? all these things i love, what good does it do to the world?

another thing..people say illustration brings little good. people who do that course end up jobless. it is said that it brings no future. what am i to do? i was so sure, at the end of 2006. at that time i had absolutely no idea at all what i wanted to do...and then all of a sudden, ILLUSTRATION. i actually believed it was an idea from God. i thought i got it all figured out. i could do illustration so that in the future i would be able to illustrate my very own novels, as having my own book is also my dream. what should i do now? do i stay strong with my decision, and fight till i get a job, and still be happy doing what i love, or...giving it up?

HELP ME!!!

poisoning myself with water...