today i was humiliated in front of the whole orchestra...
it was SUCH A SIMPLE SONG and i just couldn't get it right...
and probably the "interference" from the others kinda made me even more confused...
and it just made me wanna quit...
i suck as a pianist, as a musician...
i'm not even worthy enough to be calling myself a pianist...
i failed badly at a piano competition, youtubers hate my videos, and i'm pulling the orchestra down..
i am not worthy to be involved in music.
after 10 years of learning music, and my standard is worse than a beginner.
i have no right to call myself a person who loves music.
i am a loser.
i suck.

and i lost all opportunity of being good at sports.
i was a fool.
i could have had a chance of being an athlete.
i just let it pass.
and it's almost history.
that golden opportunity might never come ever again.
again, i have no right to call myself an athlete.
i'm a loser.
i suck.

my art sucks too.
i didn't give 100 percent in this sem.
my artwork is not worth looking at more than 2 seconds.
i know that.
my grades say it all.
grades are not everything, but the process also says it.
i didn put all my effort.
or i maybe did put a lot of effort.
but it didnt work.
i'm going no where.
i'm not talented, and it doesnt help that i'm not putting effort.
i'm a loser.
i suck.

Malaysian artiste Penny Tai once said,"if i can't do the best in what i do, i'm better off not doing it at all"..
just read that statement and you will know.
i'm better off just doing nothing.
since i'm BAD at everything.
i'm not doing good in everything, so i'm better off just not doing it at all.

this is my personality.
accept it.
i'm such a perfectionist but i'm not doing what i expect of myself.
that's y i'm writing this emo post here right now.

someone please save me T.T...
it's hard chasing 3 dreams at the same time...
it's a constant pressure...
and it's killing me...
and i have gone too far to turn back...
if only i could learn to do this:

ENDURE

b